What's In - What's Out

Every year, the Oxford English Dictionary adds a few words. This year, the verbs google and xerox are in.
To make room for these new words, I'd like to suggest dropping a few. They are over-used, misused, or pompous and they, like, they piss me off.

1. Pre-owned Adj. Used. Refers to used items for which the seller hopes to get more than they're worth. Pre-owned BMWs.
2. Like Paranthetical 1. Said at times when you are straining to think of the word that should be used. He was, like, creepy, and I was, like, creeped out. 2. Said. Usually preceded by the word was. I was, like, 'hi,' and he was, like, 'hi.'
3. Awesome Adj. Nice. Have an awesome day. That's an awesome dress.
4. Amazing Adj. Good. That was an amazing movie. You have an amazing voice.
5. Survivor Adj. Retain meaning ONLY for people who live through war, potentially fatal disease, or severe physical abuse or sexual abuse. Not to be used for TV shows or whiners who pull through life's predictable challenges. She's a three time divorce survivor.
6. Enabler Noun 1. Person with no backbone (e.g., Mr. Lubner) or self esteem. 2. Unable to verbalize necessity for another person to stop doing something that's pissing you off. I was a (fill in objectionable behavior) enabler.
7. Period Noun 1. Punctuation (see below) at the end of a sentence. Even if you're a computer geek, it's a damned period. Dots are on fashion, and are preceded with the word polka.
8. Closure Noun Usage limited to referring to the mechanism that keeps a bra from flying open. Any psychological reference is tedious, and probably a lie. Thank you to wonderful writer Paul Decker for recommending dropping this hideous word.
9. Moist Adj. Scrabble champion/attorney/piano playin' Miss Ann pointed out that anyone who's seen "The Imposters" (Stanley Tucci and Philip Seymour Hoffman) will never use this word again. Think showers after "Psycho" and night beach swimming after "Jaws." Touche, Ann.

There are more. Lots more. But, now, some forbidden punctuation.

Apostrophe '
1. You can use it for Irish persons' last names, e.g., O'Keefe, O'Keeffe, O'Brien, O'Leary.
2. If you have a never got your GED, or did, but slept through all your English classes, you may not use apostrophes at all. That means no contractions. If you don't know what a contraction is, just don't say things like don't. Say donut.

Quotation marks "
1. You must use it before and after you are writing something in exactly the same words another person said but you may never use it while talking, by making little air wavys with two fingers.
2. You may never put them around a description of a feature of what you are selling. "Home Cooking" and "Fresh" make people nervous, and will, therefore, be counterproductive.
3. You may never use them to be a smartass. Jessica Simpson is "smart" is mean. The correct way to express that is Jessica Simpson is a moron.

Period .
1. Place at the end of the written sentence. If you say the word period, you'd better be referring to the menstrual cycle. Blurting out puntuation when you're speaking makes you look like an asshole.

If you know anyone at the OED, please pass this along.

Your assignment today is to read The Professor and the Madman. Today, I played the part of the Madman, but I'd prefer that you, like, call me Madam. Period.