Sermon from The Church of the Living Swing

Chastity Belt

Richard "Lord" Buckley, 1906-1960
As you know, between the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Century,
there was a tremendous eipdemic that swept the land.
Everyone was going in search of the Holy Grail.

Few of the beggars knew anything about it,
and those that knew the least blew it up to such fantastic proportions:
"You going, Fred?" "Yes."
"You going, Harry?" "Yes."
"Good, we all go together."

The Duke of Cliftsford is standing in his courtyard.
He's working his visor up and down.
He doesn't want any to get hung up in the middle of the fracas.
There is much activity taking place in the courtyard.
Various knaves and grooms are busy preparing the safari
in serch of the Holy Grail.

There are three forges going "Dang Dang Boom Boom Dong Dong."

Finally, out of the thick smoke of the forges, comes a little blacksmith.

(faux English accent)
He says: "Sire, may I have a word with you?
I realize that I am taking my very head in my hands
when I ask you for a few moments of your precious time,
but I have conceived something in my fancy."

"Very well."

They opened the door -- "Boom!"

There on a table lay a beautiful golden belt.
It was Oriental gold, soft but hard.
And all about it were phallic symbols each
and every one of them engraved with virgin pearls.

The Duke looks at this jeweler's masterpiece
and rather than being flattered, he flips:
"How dare you bring me to see this common, ordinary belt --
wasting my time in this manner.
Before the sun rises, you will be singing soprano!"

"But sire, it's not a common ordinary belt, it is a chastity belt."

"A what?"

"A chastity belt, your majesty,
to preserve the honor of your Lady Faire while you,
brave one, go in search of the grail."

The Duke looks at it again.
"My Gad...sheer genius. Make me twelve at once."

He had a few friends, ya know.

The scene switches.
The Duke is a magnificent Negro Duke.
He has the chastity belt behind his back.
He's stacked up in armor and he is climbing the spiral staircase
to the Queen's boudoir.
While he is making the ascent,
he is probing his brain for a piece of conversational putty
whereby he may introduce this new and unusual affair
to her Highness in such a manner as not to run her
all over the blasted courtyard...you know how the neighbors are.

But, when he gets to the top, he has no answer.
He knocks anyway and a voice says: "Who's there?"

"It's me baby, the King."

"Is that my great and groovy lover
and one of the greatest studs that ever stomped through any Queen's boudoir
in this here world, and that there world and all unknown worlds?"

"Yes, Baby."

"Fall in, Daddy. Look at that uniform on Daddy."

"Yeah, they got me stacked in here pretty good, ain't they sugar?
They got to get me on a hoist to get me on a horse.
But when I'm on I'm gone."

"I'm hip," she says. "What you got behind you Daddy?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha . . . you ladies goin' to drive me crazy.
`What is this? What is that?'"

He sits her down. She go: "Ooooooooo."

He says: "What you `Oooooooooooin' about woman?"

"I say `Oooooooooo' was all I say."

He say: "Well, you been `Ooooooooin'' a little too much
around here lately, you know that, don't you?"

Now she looks at it
and having never dreamed in the wildest dream
the inspiration of a chastity belt,
say to him with purest and high plum of naivitee,
in the rich center of noviticitate and expression
say: "What is it Daddy, a jewell case?"

"Well," he says, "I suppose you could call it that, Sugar.
Yeah, that's what it is, a jewell case."

He say: "You know that Grail?"

She say: "I'm hip, you goin' to pick up on it too, Daddy."

He say: "Well, you know there is a couple of cats up on the hill
that aren't on the hook for the grail.
You know that too baby?"

She say: "That's the livin', livin' truth,
and some of them cats jump awful high and hard."

He say: "Just what I'm talking about, baby.
Some night when my cats and kittys got that grail in the corner,
bout ready to Wwwhhaaaappppm --
I'm into the sack . . . say one of them cats gets jumping so high --
Boom! -- Szzzzzz Bzzzzzz right over that castle wall --
pphhhhhhh -- right in your boudoir
and this gadget is going to give them
the supreme surprise of their natural born life."

She goes: "Ahhhhh . . . Hun, look. I am goin' to ex divorce.
I am goin' to ex the grail, baby."

He say: "Sugar baby, you gettin' yourself all bent 'bout a little thing like this.
Sugar, it's just like a new pair of shoes, baby.
You got to wear it a little while before you get used to it."