Thank You, Lord

Maharaja, or The Cop Out

Richard "Lord" Buckley, 1906-1960

M'Lords and M'Ladies of the Royal Court,
the story of the cop-out.
Cop-out is a kind of a chap that you have around,
once in a while, sometimes for many years,
that you want to kill him.
But you just can't quite get to it.
'Cause every time he gaslights you,
he comes around with such a wonderful story
that -- he entertains you so strongly with the story
that you forgive the accident or the catastrophe
or the flip or the delinquency.

Now, you see there was this Maharaja.
He's a big Maharaja cat.
He had seventeen elephants and twenty-two camels
and a hundred and eighteen chicks in the harem.
And he had gold vaults and silver vaults
and jewel vaults and vault vaults
and all kinds of gold laying around the place.
Very rich cat.
And he had a buddy cat by the name of Hoobadoo.
And this buddy cat, Hoobadoo, he was real close to the Mah, see.
You want to see the Mah, you got to see Hoobadoo
or you ain't going to see the Mah. Understand?
He was real tight with the Mah.
As a matter of fact, he was so tight
when the Mah's heart goes ding,
the buddy cat goes dong.
Ding, dong!
They had a heart beat kick going together,
that's how close they was understand.
And the Mah dig the buddy cat 'cause that's the boy.
He's in tight with the Maharaja all the time, see?
So, the Maharaja wake up one morning
in his eighteen foot double king-size Indian bed,
with all the silks and satins and the incense going,
in the private sacred chamber
and the Maharaja is sleeping the sleep of the king.
And he hear a little rustle in there
and he say, in his subconscious mind,
say, "What's that cat,
what's somebody doing messing round
with somebody going to get killed.
He say, "What kind of a lick is this anyway?"
And he sneaked out the corner of the end of his eye
and he see a big, tall psyche cat standing there
with a saber hanging down, the big cutter.
And he look up and he see this long beard.
and he see the head of the guards.
And he hear the man say, "Master!"

And the Maharaja say, "What is it dog?"

"Something terrible to tell you, Master."

"Something terrible to tell me.
It better be something terrible to tell me
to wake me up at this time of the morning.
Fooling with the sacred sleep.
It'd better be very important!"

"It is very important, Master.
Lagadow, your heartbeat, has done something terrible."

"What?!"

"Yes, something terrible!.
When you went into your beautiful quarters last night
with the lovely girl,
shortly after that, he has taken nineteen of your best chicks
and three buckets of pearls and he has been long gone since -"

He say, "What?! Ha, call the guards,
find immediately!
Find him! Hacha, ratta! "

Wham! The guards take off in full pursuit after this Labadoo.
And they're going a ding-ding-ding
and a boom-boom-boom
and they got to find this here cat
because the Maharaja is in a white heat.
Oh, he's shook up, he's shook up something terrible.
And if Labadoo had've pulled his foot out just two seconds before,
out that swamp, he'd of been alright.
But he was just tick-tock later, vrrppt and they snapped him,
and they gave that cat the most interesting, hee hee, ride home
you ever saw in your life.
They slung a hair rope around this cat here
and put it through the saddle of the horn of the horse
and ring-a-ding-ding back
and this cat is bumpin' and snappin' and flippin' and flappin' up and down
all through that marshway all the way back to the court.

Now we come back to the Maharaja's court.
The Maharaja's sitting up there in his big golden throne.
And it's one of those wild looking court places
with the tall fluted columns
and all the nobles,
all the mad, wild, greedy, lustful, cheating, larceny nobility,
who are dead enemies of Labadow,
are gathered there to see fate take its cut.
And the great big giant doors open
eighteen foot tall and scrolled in gold
and some cat done come in there
with a sanscrit kit and sanscritted all over the place
all kinds of crazy writing.
And the Maharajah's sitting down there
in his big golden throne and this long room
and these giant doors open, swang on open
and two giant guards stand there
and they got something between them.
It looks like a pair of second class gypsy laundry
that was the only thing left on the island of Hoobadoo
after the great hurricane of Lagadoo.
He's a beat looking cat.
He looks about seventeen bulged up, split out mushrooms
hung up in bad shape.
This cat is dripping and flipped.
But these cats wheel on back with their two big arms
and they take this mushy bunch of humanity
and they go, whssssssss! Scoot him. Vrrppppt.
Up he goes.
And it was no trouble at all for him to slide the extra thirty feet
right to the feet of the throne.

And the Maharajah's sitting up there.
And the court is silent.
And the Maharajah says:

"Friendship.
Yes, friendship is a very beautiful thing.
Very beautiful indeed.
Revered friendship. Friendship the Heartbeat.
Is it possible?
Is it possible that a man could share his confidence,
share his honor, share his integrity with another human being,
and love him like a brother?
And feel the thrust of the knife stuck in him for his love?
Yes! Look at that dog lying down there.
That corrupted piece of humanity.
Deep in the shame of his larceny.
Wound in the wild, wild theme of his horrible error.
To dare to go against the man that trusted him: The Maharajah.
Look at him, hee hee hmmmmm,
perhaps you have something to say, my beautiful one
before the skin is plucked from your ugly body piece by piece.
And may I further tell you that you shall enjoy public shame
for you shall be killed in the courtyard in full view of the people.
Speak your last words"

"Oh, Great! Oh, Great Beautiful Star of the East!
Oh, magnificent man! Oh, Shining Light!
Oh, Great Reason for Life!
Oh, Beautiful One, listen to me.
Though I am but baggage at your feet,
beat, broken, sick, ruined.
Look at me, Great Beautiful One!.
And let me tell you only that I love you!
I love you!
I've always loved you.
I will love you through time, time immemorial!
I will love you.
I will love you forever no matter what.
I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.
If you only knew Your Majesty,
the reason of the accident was to save your life.
To save your life, Your Highness!
They told me if I did not flee and do this that they would kill you.
That's what they told me, Your Majesty.
I beg you.
Look! Look, Your Majesty, look,
look at the greedy, larcenous faces!
Look at the lust and the vulgarity and the madness upon your subjects.
Look at them looking at me.
Many was the time I kept you, Your Highness,
from their filthy hands when they would deal you death.
Look at them, Your Majesty, look at them!
And then look upon the face of the man,
the slave that loved you, that still loves you.
That will forever love you no matter what.
I don't care! I don't care!
I love you, that's all that matters.
Look at them and then make your decision,
Beloved Star, Beloved Light of Light,
Oh, Wonder of Wonders, look at them and then decide."

"Lagow!"

"Yes."

"Take this dog into my private chambers. We will discuss this matter in private."