There's Brother Billy
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 7:13 AM
0 comments
November 04, 2006
Too Many Bills!
Under the post titled BILL Parcells, Anonymouse BILL (we'll call him) snuck the following little gem on the day before heavily armoured BILL Fedun misinterpreted my gayly sardonic little Christmas romp as the ravings of one in whose cornflakes someone pissed.
Too many bills, I'd say. Sadly, I bid farewell to Parcells and armoured Bill. Dear anonymouse Bill (we'll call him) is a keeper, to wit...
Sometimes I lie in my little bed behind the foot-
moulding in the sitting room and read a bit of Talleyrand before sleep
in the handy micro-edition
from Prentice-Hall-U.K.
Contrary to what you might
think, the soft droning purr of the big brindle
tabby lying just beyond
my penny-size entryway
(inboard of and slightly above the quarterround) is rather a lovely soporific instead of some sort of dire portent or threat. The best of us simply live
with it, you see. Now and
then we do get the odd
depressed mouse or even an
occasional frankly- psychotic one..though I
personally think, from my
armchair genetics study,
that these traits have been by nature bred out of
us with the help of a harsh environmental mechanism: sad and mad mice are terribly vulnerable and are often 'disappeared'
before they have the chance to marry and create
issue. Take my great Uncle
Maurice, for instance. Not
mad by birth, he came home
from The Great War with a
very odd superbright look
in his little marmite eyes
and a whiskers twitch that
was very very disturbing, especially to the little ones who would whine and
hide behind Mummy. He had been in ground munitions with the BEF throughout the second Ypres Offensive and was always muttering about fuse lengths and flash delays and such like
and seemed to be fond of collecting stinky volatile
liquids.
There was a tom everyone
especially hated, very stupid but extraordinarily
mean. I won't offend your
tender sensibilities by
telling you what he liked
to do to us. Anything you
can imagine is bad enough.
Uncle Maurice began to
call the tom Kaiser Bill
and blurt out things like
"Cut his bloody ballocks off and hang'em on the Wire! That's what I say!"
and "Hangin's too good for
him! He wants another
worser end, he does! Summat like poor old Herbert with his guts draped out all over the parapet and a-crying for his mother 'til he faded!"
I had the feeling it was
only a matter of time. A
day came when Uncle Maurice
turned up absent as we say
and all feared the worst.
I did notice that U.M.'s
materiels were gone missing
and there was an unusual
scent in the general air..
like a garage or a car park
or a petrol kiosk...
By the big hallway hole,
then, the one nearly as large as a shilling that a
catpaw and much of a fore-
arm can get in..a reaching
clawing arm and we knew by
color it was Kaiser Bill..
Maurice by the hole just inside and drenched and ragged and bloody but smiling a hideous smile and with both hands he prepared to
scratch the kitchen match
the size of a mouseball bat
across the lath.."Hai! It's me boys!" his voice
screaming with dark joy,
"anyone care for a bit of HOT PUSSY!! Hahahahaha!!!"
Of course the whole lot
went up..Maurice too, which I must believe he intended all along. We put
him out, too late, while (at the risk of portraying us as sadistic) we enjoyed the sound of a thoroughly
accelerant-conflagrated
Kaiser Bill richocheting
off the household walls
until he, too, like poor Herbert, faded.
Too many bills, I'd say. Sadly, I bid farewell to Parcells and armoured Bill. Dear anonymouse Bill (we'll call him) is a keeper, to wit...
Sometimes I lie in my little bed behind the foot-
moulding in the sitting room and read a bit of Talleyrand before sleep
in the handy micro-edition
from Prentice-Hall-U.K.
Contrary to what you might
think, the soft droning purr of the big brindle
tabby lying just beyond
my penny-size entryway
(inboard of and slightly above the quarterround) is rather a lovely soporific instead of some sort of dire portent or threat. The best of us simply live
with it, you see. Now and
then we do get the odd
depressed mouse or even an
occasional frankly- psychotic one..though I
personally think, from my
armchair genetics study,
that these traits have been by nature bred out of
us with the help of a harsh environmental mechanism: sad and mad mice are terribly vulnerable and are often 'disappeared'
before they have the chance to marry and create
issue. Take my great Uncle
Maurice, for instance. Not
mad by birth, he came home
from The Great War with a
very odd superbright look
in his little marmite eyes
and a whiskers twitch that
was very very disturbing, especially to the little ones who would whine and
hide behind Mummy. He had been in ground munitions with the BEF throughout the second Ypres Offensive and was always muttering about fuse lengths and flash delays and such like
and seemed to be fond of collecting stinky volatile
liquids.
There was a tom everyone
especially hated, very stupid but extraordinarily
mean. I won't offend your
tender sensibilities by
telling you what he liked
to do to us. Anything you
can imagine is bad enough.
Uncle Maurice began to
call the tom Kaiser Bill
and blurt out things like
"Cut his bloody ballocks off and hang'em on the Wire! That's what I say!"
and "Hangin's too good for
him! He wants another
worser end, he does! Summat like poor old Herbert with his guts draped out all over the parapet and a-crying for his mother 'til he faded!"
I had the feeling it was
only a matter of time. A
day came when Uncle Maurice
turned up absent as we say
and all feared the worst.
I did notice that U.M.'s
materiels were gone missing
and there was an unusual
scent in the general air..
like a garage or a car park
or a petrol kiosk...
By the big hallway hole,
then, the one nearly as large as a shilling that a
catpaw and much of a fore-
arm can get in..a reaching
clawing arm and we knew by
color it was Kaiser Bill..
Maurice by the hole just inside and drenched and ragged and bloody but smiling a hideous smile and with both hands he prepared to
scratch the kitchen match
the size of a mouseball bat
across the lath.."Hai! It's me boys!" his voice
screaming with dark joy,
"anyone care for a bit of HOT PUSSY!! Hahahahaha!!!"
Of course the whole lot
went up..Maurice too, which I must believe he intended all along. We put
him out, too late, while (at the risk of portraying us as sadistic) we enjoyed the sound of a thoroughly
accelerant-conflagrated
Kaiser Bill richocheting
off the household walls
until he, too, like poor Herbert, faded.
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 7:02 AM
1 comments
November 03, 2006
Logo of Catholic League
for Religious and Civil Rights
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 6:18 AM
1 comments
Serendipity
In response to yesterday's "War on Christmas", "Stag" writes:
"Just ran into your blog by clicking the "next blog" function on blogger. No comments. And its been, what, nearly a year! Hmm. But this SO calls for a comment.
"Merry Christmas, and may you face an eternity of damnation and misery."
my my, who pissed in YOUR cornflakes? Don't you have homeless people, addicts or nursing homes to which could use this energy instead of turning it to hate?
Me...I got no time for anybody who wishes eternal damnation and misery on somebody who is told to separate church and state in a department store. Don't you think such disgust should be saved for child pornographers and serial killers?
Oh, and may the Mass of Christ be solemn and full of light for you and your family."
"Stag" is
Bill Fedun
Age: 50
Gender: male
Astrological Sign: Leo
Zodiac Year: Monkey
Industry: Arts
Occupation: sword and armour maker
Note the logo of the Catholic League above...
You don't suppose that..., well, Bill, if you're a soldier for the League, or even if you just make their shields and swords, please know that I write with tremendous subtlety, and while I certainly understand if you missed it, I was just kidding around with pissed off Jesus and his army of Christian (preferably Catholic) soldiers.
Now, just put the sword down, and we'll talk about this, okay?
"Just ran into your blog by clicking the "next blog" function on blogger. No comments. And its been, what, nearly a year! Hmm. But this SO calls for a comment.
"Merry Christmas, and may you face an eternity of damnation and misery."
my my, who pissed in YOUR cornflakes? Don't you have homeless people, addicts or nursing homes to which could use this energy instead of turning it to hate?
Me...I got no time for anybody who wishes eternal damnation and misery on somebody who is told to separate church and state in a department store. Don't you think such disgust should be saved for child pornographers and serial killers?
Oh, and may the Mass of Christ be solemn and full of light for you and your family."
"Stag" is
Bill Fedun
Age: 50
Gender: male
Astrological Sign: Leo
Zodiac Year: Monkey
Industry: Arts
Occupation: sword and armour maker
Note the logo of the Catholic League above...
You don't suppose that..., well, Bill, if you're a soldier for the League, or even if you just make their shields and swords, please know that I write with tremendous subtlety, and while I certainly understand if you missed it, I was just kidding around with pissed off Jesus and his army of Christian (preferably Catholic) soldiers.
Now, just put the sword down, and we'll talk about this, okay?
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 6:04 AM
0 comments
November 02, 2006
Jesus' Birthday, Gone Wrong
“Blind guides! How terrible it will be for you… Snakes! Sons of vipers!"
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 5:52 AM
0 comments
"It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas"
It's Beginning to Look Like War on Christmas - 2005
To: You Pagans
From: Catholic League of Religious and Civil Rights (via pissed off Jesus), with love and prayers that you'll recognize Christmas as the birthday of Jesus Christ, the head of the one, true, holy and apostolic church to avoid eternal damnation and bad Christmas presents
October 26
New York, NY—In 2005, the Children's Museum of Manhattan honored holidays for Hispanics, Jews, Muslims and African Americans, but not for Christians. In October the museum featured Hispanic Heritage Month, as well as a Ramadan in New York City Festival; the latter event meant that children were read stories about Islamic traditions. There were no Columbus Day events for the city's Italian Catholic community. In November, there was an Eid in New York City Festival for Muslims, but Christians got nothing for Thanksgiving. Jewish and African-American holidays were celebrated in December when the museum honored Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, respectively, but there was nothing for Christians at Christmas, save for a "Fruity Fondue" event.
November 3
San Diego, CA—The regional director of the Anti-Defamation League announced his distain for "Christmas programs" and his support for "winter programs." Morris S. Casuto explained his reasoning by saying, "School and public events should be designed to enable diverse communities to participate without feeling left out or marginalized."
November 3
Huntington, WV—Marshall University instituted a decoration contest emphasizing non-Christmas symbols. "The main idea in our contest is to enrich [the] campus according to the winter tradition," explained Christina Burgueno, associate professor of modern languages and a member of the contest committee. "There is such an amount of diversity now at our campus. We want to celebrate the traditions of other people, people from other places."
November 9
The Catholic League started a boycott against Wal-Mart, citing discrimination against Christians. Two days later, Wal-Mart folded, yielding to the league's three demands. Ergo, we called off our boycott.
Our troubles with Wal-Mart began when a woman e-mailed the company complaining about its policy of encouraging its employees to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." The response she got, from a Customer Service employee called Kirby, was astounding. Here's what Kirby said (we are reproducing his statement exactly as it was sent, errors and all):
Walmart is a world wide organization and must remain conscious of this. The majority of the world still has different practices other than 'christmas' which is an ancient tradition that has its roots in Siberain shamanism. The colors associated with 'christmas' red and white are actually a representation of the aminita mascera mushroom. Santa is also borrowed from the Caucuses, mistletoe from the Celts, yule log from the Goths, the time from the Visigoth and the tree from the worship of Baal. It is a wide wide world.
The woman then e-mailed Kirby's statement to us. Our first reaction was that this was obviously the work of some underling. Wal-Mart, being a behemoth of an organization, could not possibly police everyone in every department. But we decided that Wal-Mart's top public relations person should know about this; we were curious to see what he or she might say. So we e-mailed Kirby's remark to Dan Fogleman, Wal-Mart's senior manager in public relations. To our surprise, Fogleman not did not disagree with Kirby, and even proceeded to give us a lecture on diversity. Here is part of what he told us (again, we are not correcting the errors):
As a retailer, we recognize some of our customers may be shopping for Chanukah or Kwanza gifts during this time of year and we certainly want these customers in our stores and to feel welcome, just as we do those buying for Christmas. As an employer, we recognize the significance of the Christmas holiday among our family of associates…and close our stores in observance, the only day during the year that we are closed.
After being insulted again, we decided to do one more thing: to see how Wal-Mart treats Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Christmas. What we found was revealing. By typing Hanukkah into the search engine of its website, 200 items appeared. Typing Kwanzaa yielded 77 items. But when Christmas was entered, here's what appeared on the screen: "We've brought you to our 'Holiday' page based on your search."
That was it. On November 9, we issued a news release titled, "Wal-Mart Bans Christmas; Boycott Launched." In it, we said that when we initially read Kirby's statement, we assumed "he might be drunk." We also said, "It's nice to know that Wal-Mart is closed on a federal holiday." We immediately contacted 126 religious groups spanning seven faith communities asking them to join with us in the boycott.
On November 10, Worldnetdaily.com flagged this story on its website as the lead news story. This led to a string of interviews on talk radio around the nation. In every case, listeners were livid: they felt betrayed that the "family-friendly" retailer would do this. So they e-mailed Fogleman to let him know what they thought. Bill Donohue e-mailed Fogleman his own missive: "Now that Wal-Mart is standing by its position, I hope you're ready for our next move. Don't forget, we have the next six weeks to pull out all the stops, and we will."
Meanwhile, Wal-Mart spokeswoman Jolanda Steward told the press that the store was just trying to help its customers "celebrate their individual needs and wants." To which Donohue said, "I thought Wal-Mart was a department store—not a Wellness Center." Then Donohue got hold of the e-mail address of a senior Wal-Mart official, Ryan Loken, and sent him the following note:
Wal-Mart has made a huge mistake taking us on just at the start of the Christmas buying season. Why you are keeping Fogleman on as your PR man is mind-boggling. Have you seen worldnetdaily.com? Are you aware that our staff has been doing one radio talk show interview after another all day, with many more scheduled? Ask Fogleman how many e-mails he has received and what people are saying.
The Left has unfairly attacked Wal-Mart for years. But now you've angered your base—conservative Christians.
To put an end to our boycott, read the news release I wrote today. I'm not asking for the moon. But I will tell you this much: we have the money, time and determination necessary to keep this up for the next six weeks. In other words, the ball is in your court.
The November 10 news release listed three demands: "We want a) an apology for insulting Christians by effectively banning Christmas b) a withdrawal of its insane statement regarding the origins of Christmas and c) a revision on its website."
When Donohue got to work early on November 11, news reports were carrying the Wal-Mart apology, saying that Kirby had been fired. Then Donohue checked Wal-Mart's website and found that by typing Christmas in its search engine, customers were taken to the Christmas site. We thus declared victory and an end to the boycott.
November 28
Olympia, WA—Public school teachers in three districts (North Thurston, Olympia and Tumwater) were no longer permitted to engage in activities that promote any particular religious holiday. Instead, students were encouraged to participate in "change of season" activities. "We can't promote one belief over the other," said Paula Quinn, principal at Lydia Hawk Elementary in Lacey. "At Lydia Hawk, we have a very, very, diverse population, and I try to be very sensitive to that."
November 29
Wellington, FL—A Wellington Village Council member withdrew his request to include a nativity scene in the annual holiday display after getting little support from village and business officials. The holiday display included a Christmas tree and a menorah.
November 29
Jefferson, GA—The Jackson County School System sent a letter to teachers prohibiting them from wearing "any pins, angels, crosses, clothing" with any religious connotation or affiliation, and from referring to any party as a "Christmas" party. Christmas songs with religious wording were removed from the winter concert.
November 29
After a public outcry, Lowe's home-improvement stores were forced to change banners that referred to Christmas trees as "Holiday Trees" in English and "Christmas Trees" in Spanish. The store decided to call all Christmas trees by their proper name.
December 1
The Catholic League contacted Lands' End clothing store about the use of "holidays" instead of Christmas in its catalog. Printed below is part of the reply we received from Merlin W. Gorsline in the Customer Relations Department:
We find ourselves in a difficult position with this issue. As a result, we have adopted the "holiday" terminology as a way to comply with one of the basic freedoms granted to all Americans: freedom of religion. We recognize that Christmas is a Christian holiday, and one of the foremost teachings of the Christian faith is a love for one's fellowman—no matter what [sic] his race, religion or creed. If we knew which customers feel as you do, we would be delighted to send them catalogs with "Merry Christmas" splashed throughout the pages. However, we don't.
After fielding our complaint, Jackie Schutty, an executive from Lands' End, told us on December 7 that "the information that was recently shared by one of our Lands' End representatives does not accurately reflect our company's position." She also said, "We apologize for any confusion and appreciate the opportunity to clarify our position."
December 1
Auburn, AL—Auburn University's Student Government Association renamed the university's annual Christmas tree a "Holiday tree" in a press release announcing the tree-lighting event.
December 1
South Florida—Florida Atlantic University called an "EMERGENCY" meeting about the controversy surrounding the school's "Finals Week" tree. For the past six years, the "Finals Week" tree—adorned with lollipops, Fritos, etc. (courtesy of the faculty)—had been on display at the end of each semester. Mark Tunick, a professor and interim dean, made the mistake of e-mailing 57 employees encouraging them to support "the traditional finals week Christmas tree with snack." Professor Martin J. Sweet said religious symbols don't belong on campus. Student government officials and faculty members pledged to hold "multiple meetings" to deal with this issue.
The Catholic League could not resisting noting that the same university made headlines following Hurricane Katrina: condoms were promiscuously distributed to students. This is the same school that caught our attention in 2001 when it hosted the anti-Catholic play, "Corpus Christi."
December 3
Chula Vista, CA—Six girls were barred from performing their hip-hop dance routine at the city's "Holiday Festival" show because they wore "Jesus Christ Dancers" shirts at the event. A city official prevented them from performing because of the message on their shirts and the Christian music that accompanied the routine. An attorney for the American Family Association stated that "The city allowed a Hawaiian prayer dance, a belly dancer and other 'holiday' performers, and there was a tree-lighting ceremony afterward where a rabbi lighted a menorah."
December 6
Glendale, WI—The Glendale-River Hills School District had a written policy stating that songs with "dogmatic religious statements" were banned from concerts. But this didn't stop the school's concert from including Hanukkah songs.
December 7
Shawnee, KS—Deputy City Manager Carol Gonzalez barred Joseph and Mary actors from the town's annual Christmas celebration because she felt it crossed the line between the separation of church and state.
December 7
Federal Way, WA—A nutrition services employee mistakenly placed the words "Merry Christmas" on lunch menus for all 23 elementary school. In response, the district recalled and reprinted them with the greeting "Happy Holidays." A school spokeswoman for the district said "Merry Christmas" on the menus violated the school system's policies because "it has a religious connotation for some people."
December 7
Medina, WA—Medina Elementary School removed a "Giving Tree" with mittens labeled with gift ideas for the poor after a parent complained that it had religious connotations.
December 7
Bartlett, TN—The Memphis Library system erected a nativity scene that included just three farm animals and a shepherd boy. The presence of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, along with the Three Wise Men, were deemed "inappropriate" by school officials.
December 8
Manhasset, NY—At a Christmas tree lighting celebration, Town of North Hempstead supervisor Jon Kaiman became frustrated when the Rev. Nick Zientarski gave a traditional Catholic blessing. In the midst of the blessing, Kaiman was overheard saying, "This is nonsense," "We're not doing this next year," and "I can't believe this." When Rev. Zientarski finished his blessing, Kaiman immediately took the microphone and told the crowd, "I just want to make it clear that this is in no way a religious ceremony. We're here to celebrate the holiday tree lighting. This is no place for a religious ceremony." After public outrage, Kaiman apologized to Fr. Zientarski and the people of North Hempstead for his behavior.
December 12
Sacramento, CA—Patricia Sonntag, director of the Office of Services to Students with Disabilities at California State University, Sacramento, banned 4th of July celebrations, along with Christmas, from her office. Here is her directive:
With the new year, we will now celebrate the seasons and holiday without decorations in the public areas and hallways. This is a secular university and we are a public service area that has a diverse employee and student populations [sic] even in our private offices. In order to avoid offending someone else, we will not display celebratory reminders. This specifically includes Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Valentines, 4th of July, St. Patrick's Day and Easter, off the top of the list. I, for one, am the worst offender and celebrant. Time has come to recognize that religious discrimination, as well as ethnic insensitivity to certain holidays, is forbidden. I am sorry if this offends anyone, but it is time to start the new year differently.
December 13
New York, NY—Condo board members at Donald Trump's luxury 220 Riverside Blvd. building refused to allow a tenant to put a nativity scene in the lobby of the building, even though they displayed a menorah.
December 14
Chicago, IL—The Theatre Building Chicago hosted the play, "The Eight: Reindeer Monologues," by Jeff Goode. The play is about sexual harassment by Santa and an abused reindeer.
December 19
Mine Hill, NJ—An elementary school changed the title and lyrics to the Christmas carol "Silent Night, Winter Night" at its "X-mas Files" concert. Children were also banned from writing "Merry Christmas" in class but were allowed to write Feliz Navidad. For the concert, students were encouraged to bring in musical selections but were told not to bring any religious songs.
December 19
Centennial, CO—Heritage Elementary School officials banned a student from bringing a nativity scene to school and telling the story of Christmas. The school also barred candy canes that contained a story about their religious symbolism, and cookies shaped like traditional Christmas symbols.
December 19
Texas public school teachers were told that they could not mention the word "Christmas" or tell the nativity story.
December 29
Holliston, MA—The Central Street fire station was forced to remove an illuminated cross and menorah after a resident complained it violated a new town policy.
Politically Correct Trees:
The following venues replaced Christmas trees with "Holiday Trees": Hagerstown, Maryland; Duffy Square in Times Square, New York; Overland Park, Kansas; Roanoke, Virginia; Bangor, Maine; Westminster, Maryland; and Auburn University (a vote by the Student Senate to change the name to 'Christmas tree' lost 22-4). In lieu of a Christmas tree, the following venues had a "Giving Tree": the Naval Academy; Lousiana State University; University of New Mexico; Madison, Wisconsin; and West Hollywood.
In place of a Christmas tree, there was a "Grand Tree" in Atlanta; a "Union Tree" at Purdue University; a "Peace Tree" in Washington Park, Illinois; and a "Friendship Tree" was found in Hoffman Estates, Illinois and Manchester, Massachusetts.
The display of secular "Holiday Trees," alongside the Jewish religious symbol, the menorah, was commonplace, ranging from places like San Diego Hospice & Palliative Care to Langley Air Force Base in Virginia to the Village Hall in Gurnee, Illinois.
Christmas Vandalism:
From nativity scenes to secular Christmas displays, vandals hit the following places: Birmingham, AL; Homewood, AL; Montgomery, AL; Bella Vista, AR; Eureka Springs, AR; Little Rock, AR; Van Buren, AR; Campbell, CA; Covina, CA; Fremont, CA; Glendale, CA; Martinez, CA; Newport Beach, CA; Fresno, CA; Los Angeles, CA; Walnut Creek, CA; Westminster, CO; Cape Coral, FL; Delray Beach, FL; Longboat Key, FL; Miami Springs, FL; Medley, FL; Port Saint Lucie, FL; St. Lucie West, FL; St. Petersburg, FL; Belleville, IL; Galesburg, IL; West Frankfort, IL; Olathe, KS; Marrero, LA; Brockton, MA; Cohasset, MA; Londonderry, MA; Quincy, MA; Glen Burnie, MD; Greenbelt, MD; Severn, MD; Port Huron, MI; Waltz, MI; Bay Port, MN; Marquis Point, MN; West St. Paul, MN; Woodbury, MN; Asbury Park, NJ; Branchville, NJ; Hamilton, NJ; Howell, NJ; Old Bridge, NJ; Prospect Park, NJ; Sayreville, NJ (police found 27 baby Jesus statues in the car of a suspected thief); Trenton, NJ; Holbrook, NY; Larchmont, NY; Pearl River, NY; Troy, NY; Hilton Head, NC; Wilmington, NC; Cheviot, OH; Dayton, OH; Fremont, OH; Hamilton, OH; Whitaker Park, OK; Medford, OR; New Kensington, PA; Watsontown, PA; Wilkes-Barre, PA; South Kingstown, RI; Lexington, SC; Allen, TX; Grapevine, TX; Houston, TX; Killeen, TX; Murfreesboro, TN; Draper, UT; Logan, UT; Fredricksburg, VA; Eatonville, WA; Seattle, WA; Madison, WI; New Berlin, WI; Oak Hill, WV.
A large blindfolded Santa was found hanging from a tree in Miami Beach, FL; in Boston, vandals decapitated Santa; Santa's throat was cut in Lincoln, NE; a dead Santa turned up in Oklahoma City, OK; a bloody Santa holding a severed head was displayed in New York City (this was done intentionally by the homeowners); and in Orlando, FL, a bloody Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was found swinging from a tree.
In closing, Jesus enlightened me to say:
Merry Christmas, and may you blasphemers face an eternity of damnation and misery for screwing up my birthday. Ite in pace.
That's Latin for "go in peace," you pagan.
To: You Pagans
From: Catholic League of Religious and Civil Rights (via pissed off Jesus), with love and prayers that you'll recognize Christmas as the birthday of Jesus Christ, the head of the one, true, holy and apostolic church to avoid eternal damnation and bad Christmas presents
October 26
New York, NY—In 2005, the Children's Museum of Manhattan honored holidays for Hispanics, Jews, Muslims and African Americans, but not for Christians. In October the museum featured Hispanic Heritage Month, as well as a Ramadan in New York City Festival; the latter event meant that children were read stories about Islamic traditions. There were no Columbus Day events for the city's Italian Catholic community. In November, there was an Eid in New York City Festival for Muslims, but Christians got nothing for Thanksgiving. Jewish and African-American holidays were celebrated in December when the museum honored Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, respectively, but there was nothing for Christians at Christmas, save for a "Fruity Fondue" event.
November 3
San Diego, CA—The regional director of the Anti-Defamation League announced his distain for "Christmas programs" and his support for "winter programs." Morris S. Casuto explained his reasoning by saying, "School and public events should be designed to enable diverse communities to participate without feeling left out or marginalized."
November 3
Huntington, WV—Marshall University instituted a decoration contest emphasizing non-Christmas symbols. "The main idea in our contest is to enrich [the] campus according to the winter tradition," explained Christina Burgueno, associate professor of modern languages and a member of the contest committee. "There is such an amount of diversity now at our campus. We want to celebrate the traditions of other people, people from other places."
November 9
The Catholic League started a boycott against Wal-Mart, citing discrimination against Christians. Two days later, Wal-Mart folded, yielding to the league's three demands. Ergo, we called off our boycott.
Our troubles with Wal-Mart began when a woman e-mailed the company complaining about its policy of encouraging its employees to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." The response she got, from a Customer Service employee called Kirby, was astounding. Here's what Kirby said (we are reproducing his statement exactly as it was sent, errors and all):
Walmart is a world wide organization and must remain conscious of this. The majority of the world still has different practices other than 'christmas' which is an ancient tradition that has its roots in Siberain shamanism. The colors associated with 'christmas' red and white are actually a representation of the aminita mascera mushroom. Santa is also borrowed from the Caucuses, mistletoe from the Celts, yule log from the Goths, the time from the Visigoth and the tree from the worship of Baal. It is a wide wide world.
The woman then e-mailed Kirby's statement to us. Our first reaction was that this was obviously the work of some underling. Wal-Mart, being a behemoth of an organization, could not possibly police everyone in every department. But we decided that Wal-Mart's top public relations person should know about this; we were curious to see what he or she might say. So we e-mailed Kirby's remark to Dan Fogleman, Wal-Mart's senior manager in public relations. To our surprise, Fogleman not did not disagree with Kirby, and even proceeded to give us a lecture on diversity. Here is part of what he told us (again, we are not correcting the errors):
As a retailer, we recognize some of our customers may be shopping for Chanukah or Kwanza gifts during this time of year and we certainly want these customers in our stores and to feel welcome, just as we do those buying for Christmas. As an employer, we recognize the significance of the Christmas holiday among our family of associates…and close our stores in observance, the only day during the year that we are closed.
After being insulted again, we decided to do one more thing: to see how Wal-Mart treats Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Christmas. What we found was revealing. By typing Hanukkah into the search engine of its website, 200 items appeared. Typing Kwanzaa yielded 77 items. But when Christmas was entered, here's what appeared on the screen: "We've brought you to our 'Holiday' page based on your search."
That was it. On November 9, we issued a news release titled, "Wal-Mart Bans Christmas; Boycott Launched." In it, we said that when we initially read Kirby's statement, we assumed "he might be drunk." We also said, "It's nice to know that Wal-Mart is closed on a federal holiday." We immediately contacted 126 religious groups spanning seven faith communities asking them to join with us in the boycott.
On November 10, Worldnetdaily.com flagged this story on its website as the lead news story. This led to a string of interviews on talk radio around the nation. In every case, listeners were livid: they felt betrayed that the "family-friendly" retailer would do this. So they e-mailed Fogleman to let him know what they thought. Bill Donohue e-mailed Fogleman his own missive: "Now that Wal-Mart is standing by its position, I hope you're ready for our next move. Don't forget, we have the next six weeks to pull out all the stops, and we will."
Meanwhile, Wal-Mart spokeswoman Jolanda Steward told the press that the store was just trying to help its customers "celebrate their individual needs and wants." To which Donohue said, "I thought Wal-Mart was a department store—not a Wellness Center." Then Donohue got hold of the e-mail address of a senior Wal-Mart official, Ryan Loken, and sent him the following note:
Wal-Mart has made a huge mistake taking us on just at the start of the Christmas buying season. Why you are keeping Fogleman on as your PR man is mind-boggling. Have you seen worldnetdaily.com? Are you aware that our staff has been doing one radio talk show interview after another all day, with many more scheduled? Ask Fogleman how many e-mails he has received and what people are saying.
The Left has unfairly attacked Wal-Mart for years. But now you've angered your base—conservative Christians.
To put an end to our boycott, read the news release I wrote today. I'm not asking for the moon. But I will tell you this much: we have the money, time and determination necessary to keep this up for the next six weeks. In other words, the ball is in your court.
The November 10 news release listed three demands: "We want a) an apology for insulting Christians by effectively banning Christmas b) a withdrawal of its insane statement regarding the origins of Christmas and c) a revision on its website."
When Donohue got to work early on November 11, news reports were carrying the Wal-Mart apology, saying that Kirby had been fired. Then Donohue checked Wal-Mart's website and found that by typing Christmas in its search engine, customers were taken to the Christmas site. We thus declared victory and an end to the boycott.
November 28
Olympia, WA—Public school teachers in three districts (North Thurston, Olympia and Tumwater) were no longer permitted to engage in activities that promote any particular religious holiday. Instead, students were encouraged to participate in "change of season" activities. "We can't promote one belief over the other," said Paula Quinn, principal at Lydia Hawk Elementary in Lacey. "At Lydia Hawk, we have a very, very, diverse population, and I try to be very sensitive to that."
November 29
Wellington, FL—A Wellington Village Council member withdrew his request to include a nativity scene in the annual holiday display after getting little support from village and business officials. The holiday display included a Christmas tree and a menorah.
November 29
Jefferson, GA—The Jackson County School System sent a letter to teachers prohibiting them from wearing "any pins, angels, crosses, clothing" with any religious connotation or affiliation, and from referring to any party as a "Christmas" party. Christmas songs with religious wording were removed from the winter concert.
November 29
After a public outcry, Lowe's home-improvement stores were forced to change banners that referred to Christmas trees as "Holiday Trees" in English and "Christmas Trees" in Spanish. The store decided to call all Christmas trees by their proper name.
December 1
The Catholic League contacted Lands' End clothing store about the use of "holidays" instead of Christmas in its catalog. Printed below is part of the reply we received from Merlin W. Gorsline in the Customer Relations Department:
We find ourselves in a difficult position with this issue. As a result, we have adopted the "holiday" terminology as a way to comply with one of the basic freedoms granted to all Americans: freedom of religion. We recognize that Christmas is a Christian holiday, and one of the foremost teachings of the Christian faith is a love for one's fellowman—no matter what [sic] his race, religion or creed. If we knew which customers feel as you do, we would be delighted to send them catalogs with "Merry Christmas" splashed throughout the pages. However, we don't.
After fielding our complaint, Jackie Schutty, an executive from Lands' End, told us on December 7 that "the information that was recently shared by one of our Lands' End representatives does not accurately reflect our company's position." She also said, "We apologize for any confusion and appreciate the opportunity to clarify our position."
December 1
Auburn, AL—Auburn University's Student Government Association renamed the university's annual Christmas tree a "Holiday tree" in a press release announcing the tree-lighting event.
December 1
South Florida—Florida Atlantic University called an "EMERGENCY" meeting about the controversy surrounding the school's "Finals Week" tree. For the past six years, the "Finals Week" tree—adorned with lollipops, Fritos, etc. (courtesy of the faculty)—had been on display at the end of each semester. Mark Tunick, a professor and interim dean, made the mistake of e-mailing 57 employees encouraging them to support "the traditional finals week Christmas tree with snack." Professor Martin J. Sweet said religious symbols don't belong on campus. Student government officials and faculty members pledged to hold "multiple meetings" to deal with this issue.
The Catholic League could not resisting noting that the same university made headlines following Hurricane Katrina: condoms were promiscuously distributed to students. This is the same school that caught our attention in 2001 when it hosted the anti-Catholic play, "Corpus Christi."
December 3
Chula Vista, CA—Six girls were barred from performing their hip-hop dance routine at the city's "Holiday Festival" show because they wore "Jesus Christ Dancers" shirts at the event. A city official prevented them from performing because of the message on their shirts and the Christian music that accompanied the routine. An attorney for the American Family Association stated that "The city allowed a Hawaiian prayer dance, a belly dancer and other 'holiday' performers, and there was a tree-lighting ceremony afterward where a rabbi lighted a menorah."
December 6
Glendale, WI—The Glendale-River Hills School District had a written policy stating that songs with "dogmatic religious statements" were banned from concerts. But this didn't stop the school's concert from including Hanukkah songs.
December 7
Shawnee, KS—Deputy City Manager Carol Gonzalez barred Joseph and Mary actors from the town's annual Christmas celebration because she felt it crossed the line between the separation of church and state.
December 7
Federal Way, WA—A nutrition services employee mistakenly placed the words "Merry Christmas" on lunch menus for all 23 elementary school. In response, the district recalled and reprinted them with the greeting "Happy Holidays." A school spokeswoman for the district said "Merry Christmas" on the menus violated the school system's policies because "it has a religious connotation for some people."
December 7
Medina, WA—Medina Elementary School removed a "Giving Tree" with mittens labeled with gift ideas for the poor after a parent complained that it had religious connotations.
December 7
Bartlett, TN—The Memphis Library system erected a nativity scene that included just three farm animals and a shepherd boy. The presence of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, along with the Three Wise Men, were deemed "inappropriate" by school officials.
December 8
Manhasset, NY—At a Christmas tree lighting celebration, Town of North Hempstead supervisor Jon Kaiman became frustrated when the Rev. Nick Zientarski gave a traditional Catholic blessing. In the midst of the blessing, Kaiman was overheard saying, "This is nonsense," "We're not doing this next year," and "I can't believe this." When Rev. Zientarski finished his blessing, Kaiman immediately took the microphone and told the crowd, "I just want to make it clear that this is in no way a religious ceremony. We're here to celebrate the holiday tree lighting. This is no place for a religious ceremony." After public outrage, Kaiman apologized to Fr. Zientarski and the people of North Hempstead for his behavior.
December 12
Sacramento, CA—Patricia Sonntag, director of the Office of Services to Students with Disabilities at California State University, Sacramento, banned 4th of July celebrations, along with Christmas, from her office. Here is her directive:
With the new year, we will now celebrate the seasons and holiday without decorations in the public areas and hallways. This is a secular university and we are a public service area that has a diverse employee and student populations [sic] even in our private offices. In order to avoid offending someone else, we will not display celebratory reminders. This specifically includes Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Valentines, 4th of July, St. Patrick's Day and Easter, off the top of the list. I, for one, am the worst offender and celebrant. Time has come to recognize that religious discrimination, as well as ethnic insensitivity to certain holidays, is forbidden. I am sorry if this offends anyone, but it is time to start the new year differently.
December 13
New York, NY—Condo board members at Donald Trump's luxury 220 Riverside Blvd. building refused to allow a tenant to put a nativity scene in the lobby of the building, even though they displayed a menorah.
December 14
Chicago, IL—The Theatre Building Chicago hosted the play, "The Eight: Reindeer Monologues," by Jeff Goode. The play is about sexual harassment by Santa and an abused reindeer.
December 19
Mine Hill, NJ—An elementary school changed the title and lyrics to the Christmas carol "Silent Night, Winter Night" at its "X-mas Files" concert. Children were also banned from writing "Merry Christmas" in class but were allowed to write Feliz Navidad. For the concert, students were encouraged to bring in musical selections but were told not to bring any religious songs.
December 19
Centennial, CO—Heritage Elementary School officials banned a student from bringing a nativity scene to school and telling the story of Christmas. The school also barred candy canes that contained a story about their religious symbolism, and cookies shaped like traditional Christmas symbols.
December 19
Texas public school teachers were told that they could not mention the word "Christmas" or tell the nativity story.
December 29
Holliston, MA—The Central Street fire station was forced to remove an illuminated cross and menorah after a resident complained it violated a new town policy.
Politically Correct Trees:
The following venues replaced Christmas trees with "Holiday Trees": Hagerstown, Maryland; Duffy Square in Times Square, New York; Overland Park, Kansas; Roanoke, Virginia; Bangor, Maine; Westminster, Maryland; and Auburn University (a vote by the Student Senate to change the name to 'Christmas tree' lost 22-4). In lieu of a Christmas tree, the following venues had a "Giving Tree": the Naval Academy; Lousiana State University; University of New Mexico; Madison, Wisconsin; and West Hollywood.
In place of a Christmas tree, there was a "Grand Tree" in Atlanta; a "Union Tree" at Purdue University; a "Peace Tree" in Washington Park, Illinois; and a "Friendship Tree" was found in Hoffman Estates, Illinois and Manchester, Massachusetts.
The display of secular "Holiday Trees," alongside the Jewish religious symbol, the menorah, was commonplace, ranging from places like San Diego Hospice & Palliative Care to Langley Air Force Base in Virginia to the Village Hall in Gurnee, Illinois.
Christmas Vandalism:
From nativity scenes to secular Christmas displays, vandals hit the following places: Birmingham, AL; Homewood, AL; Montgomery, AL; Bella Vista, AR; Eureka Springs, AR; Little Rock, AR; Van Buren, AR; Campbell, CA; Covina, CA; Fremont, CA; Glendale, CA; Martinez, CA; Newport Beach, CA; Fresno, CA; Los Angeles, CA; Walnut Creek, CA; Westminster, CO; Cape Coral, FL; Delray Beach, FL; Longboat Key, FL; Miami Springs, FL; Medley, FL; Port Saint Lucie, FL; St. Lucie West, FL; St. Petersburg, FL; Belleville, IL; Galesburg, IL; West Frankfort, IL; Olathe, KS; Marrero, LA; Brockton, MA; Cohasset, MA; Londonderry, MA; Quincy, MA; Glen Burnie, MD; Greenbelt, MD; Severn, MD; Port Huron, MI; Waltz, MI; Bay Port, MN; Marquis Point, MN; West St. Paul, MN; Woodbury, MN; Asbury Park, NJ; Branchville, NJ; Hamilton, NJ; Howell, NJ; Old Bridge, NJ; Prospect Park, NJ; Sayreville, NJ (police found 27 baby Jesus statues in the car of a suspected thief); Trenton, NJ; Holbrook, NY; Larchmont, NY; Pearl River, NY; Troy, NY; Hilton Head, NC; Wilmington, NC; Cheviot, OH; Dayton, OH; Fremont, OH; Hamilton, OH; Whitaker Park, OK; Medford, OR; New Kensington, PA; Watsontown, PA; Wilkes-Barre, PA; South Kingstown, RI; Lexington, SC; Allen, TX; Grapevine, TX; Houston, TX; Killeen, TX; Murfreesboro, TN; Draper, UT; Logan, UT; Fredricksburg, VA; Eatonville, WA; Seattle, WA; Madison, WI; New Berlin, WI; Oak Hill, WV.
A large blindfolded Santa was found hanging from a tree in Miami Beach, FL; in Boston, vandals decapitated Santa; Santa's throat was cut in Lincoln, NE; a dead Santa turned up in Oklahoma City, OK; a bloody Santa holding a severed head was displayed in New York City (this was done intentionally by the homeowners); and in Orlando, FL, a bloody Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was found swinging from a tree.
In closing, Jesus enlightened me to say:
Merry Christmas, and may you blasphemers face an eternity of damnation and misery for screwing up my birthday. Ite in pace.
That's Latin for "go in peace," you pagan.
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 5:47 AM
2 comments
November 01, 2006
Coach Parcells
Gently coaxing the Christian Children to football victory
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 7:22 AM
1 comments
Wet Socks
Last night, bleary-eyed, staring at the television with a kindly, Santa-looking guy imploring me for money for babies with flies on their faces (before), turned uniformed and scrubbed little soldiers for Jesus (after) thanks to the Christian Children's Fund (don't worry, 80 cents of every dollar goes to these kids), I thought, "Shut up, Santa guy, I've got problems of my own."
It's turned damned nippy up here and the floors are icy. Always properly socked, my feet still feel cold. Then, it happens.
I step in a puddle. Aaaaaaargh!
Wet socks on a cold floor. Damn. I hate that feeling.
I hate that feeling as much as I hate watching football and hearing John Madden go on and on about Romo - and it's NOT Bill Romanowski. It's some new schmuck quarterbacking for old schmuck Coach Parcells. The moniker ROMO is taken, boys, and it's NOT for this guy.
Then you turn on a Chargers game and they blab about LT and it's NOT Lawrence Taylor - it's some kid named LaDainian Tomlinson. LaDainian is NOT LT. He's LDT.
Romo and LT were killers, maimers, wild-eyed maniacs who played football with a vengeance, the way it is supposed to be played.
Let these new little football panty-waists get their own nicknames.
And, listen, Santa guy. 80 cents of every dollar means that 20% of your money isn't going to the little kids with flies on their faces, and that's no bargain.
Give 'em to me. They're tough little fuckers. I'll make football players out of them. I can be as big a jerk as Parcells.
I'll coach 'em on a cold day with wet socks.
It's turned damned nippy up here and the floors are icy. Always properly socked, my feet still feel cold. Then, it happens.
I step in a puddle. Aaaaaaargh!
Wet socks on a cold floor. Damn. I hate that feeling.
I hate that feeling as much as I hate watching football and hearing John Madden go on and on about Romo - and it's NOT Bill Romanowski. It's some new schmuck quarterbacking for old schmuck Coach Parcells. The moniker ROMO is taken, boys, and it's NOT for this guy.
Then you turn on a Chargers game and they blab about LT and it's NOT Lawrence Taylor - it's some kid named LaDainian Tomlinson. LaDainian is NOT LT. He's LDT.
Romo and LT were killers, maimers, wild-eyed maniacs who played football with a vengeance, the way it is supposed to be played.
Let these new little football panty-waists get their own nicknames.
And, listen, Santa guy. 80 cents of every dollar means that 20% of your money isn't going to the little kids with flies on their faces, and that's no bargain.
Give 'em to me. They're tough little fuckers. I'll make football players out of them. I can be as big a jerk as Parcells.
I'll coach 'em on a cold day with wet socks.
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 5:52 AM
0 comments
Grouchy Catholics Making a List - And Checking It Twice
Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights
2005 Report on Anti-Catholicism
Miss Kitty warns...
If you use this "outing" of blasphemy as ideas for your own pagan humor, it counts as a "double mortal" sin. I doubt a mere priest's absolution will help you there.
BUSINESS / WORKPLACE
January 18
Dawn Eden Goldstein, a copy editor with the New York Post, was fired when it was discovered that she ran a pro-life website in her spare time. In an interview with Gilbert magazine, Goldstein claimed that chief copy editor Barry Gross told her, "Some people already think the Post is conservative, and we don't need New York readers also thinking it's a Christian paper and that there are Christians working here." She was fired two days later, after she edited a story to include the fact that "in-vitro fertilization routinely results in the destruction of embryos."
January 28
Tempe, AZ—Outside an Oregano's Pizza Bistro in Tucson, AZ was posted a large photograph of Pope John Paul II with a sexually suggestive message, "Chicks dig It," written underneath. The president of Oregano's responded to a letter from William Donohue stating that the photo was immediately taken down.
February 15
The Catholic League contacted Hallmark about a greeting card that showed a picture of a nun saying, "I'm so excited about your birthday, I feel like doing a cartwheel." The inside of the card read, "Oops. Better not. I just remembered it's 'No Underwear Day' here at the abbey." After being contacted by the Catholic League a Hallmark executive stated that the company would cease further production of the card.
February 17
New York, NY—A fashion show titled "Fashion in Focus" aired on the television station WNYE. In the show, models wearing clothing designed by Mark Montano walked down the runway in crowns of thorns and held their hands in prayer. Two of the models made the sign of the cross upon reaching the end of the runway.
March 17
South Florida—Several shopping malls renamed the Easter Bunny "Peter Rabbit" or "Garden Bunny" so as not to refer to a Christian holiday.
March 25
Scott Bloch, the head the Office of Special Counsel, came under attack again from the left-wing non-profit group Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER). His offense? Hiring three graduates from the Ave Maria law school. Jeff Ruch, the director of PEER, attacked Bloch on a National Public Radio show hosted by Bob Garfield. Ruch had previously stated that "Scott Bloch's personnel practices are taken straight from the Da Vinci Code rather than the civil service manual."
April 17
A non-Catholic put what he claimed was a Host consecrated by Pope John Paul II up for auction on eBay. eBay officials initially defended the decision to allow the auction to continue, but later changed their policy and labeled the Eucharist off-limits for sale.
After complaints by the Catholic League, league members, and much media attention, the seller voluntarily gave the Eucharist to a priest for proper disposal.
April 26
The Paragon gift catalog featured four kitchen towels with pictures of nuns carrying drinks. The captions on the towels read "Sister Mary Merlot," "Sister Mary Mimosa," "Sister Mary Margarita," and "Sister Mary Martini." The product description stated that "Fun-loving nuns host happy hour on gentle humored kitchen towels starring sisters of the immaculate concoction."
May 5
Washington, D.C.—A nun was denied access to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center because she was wearing her habit. A hospital administrator claimed that soldiers could be offended by seeing religious persons on their floor in the hospital.
May 10
The mail-order catalog, Favorites, advertised a night shirt featuring an angry nun holding a ruler with the caption "Sister Mary Menopause."
June 1
Posted on the website pianoladynancy.com was a picture of three urinals shaped to look like the Blessed Mother. The operator of the website insisted that the photo was of real urinals and refused to take it off her website.
June 15
Indianapolis, IN—Two former editorial writers from the Indianapolis Star sued the paper, claiming it was "consistently and repeatedly demonstrating…a negative hostility toward Christianity." The lawsuit claimed that the editor and publisher said editorials perceived as proselytizing or containing Christian overtones could not be printed in the paper.
June 24
Chicago, IL—An employee of the Allstate insurance company was fired after a homosexual group complained about a column he wrote for a men's journal. The article denounced same-sex marriage, but was written at home on private time.
July 6
Treks Bicycle Corporation ran an ad during the Tour de France that featured three broadcasters identified as Bob Roll, Phil Liggett and Paul Sherman. All of them were depicted holding scratch-off tickets. Roll had a statue of the Blessed Virgin and two votive candles, but unlike Sherman and Liggett, he didn't win a prize. Roll opined that "All my mojo, juju and voodoo and I get nothing."
July 18
The Mississippi branch of the Bethany Christian Services adoption agency refused to allow Catholic couples to adopt children from its agency. After intense media pressure, led by the Catholic League, the Bethany's Mississippi board members voted unanimously to accept applications from Catholic families.
August
Noble Works, Inc., a Hoboken, NJ-based card company, distributes a line of what it calls "outrageous" cards called "Extras." A good number of the cards mocked Jesus, and one depicted the Holy Family in the manger with a caption above the Blessed Mother that read, "Immaculate Schmaculate. That f***king hurts!" After a Catholic League member registered a complaint with the president of the company, he wrote back saying, "How about we leave my silly cards aside for a little while and go examine some of your priest 'private' lives and practices?"
August 3
Augusta, GA—A sign outside a bar stated "CATHOLIC SCHOOLS HAVE THE BEST SEX EDUCATION." Catholic League member Mel Le Pan fought back, putting out a news release voicing his objection to the sign. After a local news station covered the story, the sign was removed.
September 3
The company T-Shirt Hell sells shirts that are offensive to Catholics, gays, blacks, women, immigrants, Native Americans, Jews and the handicapped. Some of the most offensive shirts that attack Catholicism include:
* "Mary Was Only A Virgin If You Don't Count Anal." The shirt has a picture of Mary holding a Scared Heart of Jesus, with her finger to her lips.
* "ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG." This shirt shows an old Pope John Paul II flashing a rock-and-roll hand gesture.
* "JESUS DID IT FOR THE CHICKS!" This shirt has a drawing of a crucified Jesus giving the thumbs-up gesture.
* "MOTHER F----ING TERESA."
* "CATHOLIC BOYS start much too early." The picture shows a priest standing behind an altar boy.
* "Molested by a NUN." The word priest is crossed out and NUN is stamped in as a replacement.
September 19
Elder-Beerman department stores (a division of Bon-Ton Stores) removed an offensive t-shirt after the Catholic League wrote the chairman of the company. The shirt in question featured the phrase "Who Can Resist a Catholic Girl" encircled by Rosary beads.
October 5
The Philadelphia Inquirer ran an advertisement by the law firm Eisenberg, Rothweiler, Schleifer, Weinstein & Winkler seeking victims of sexual abuse, but only victims of priests. The ad read: Legal Counsel to VICTIMS OF PRIEST SEXUAL ABUSE.
October 12
Two doctors were sued because a woman claimed that they violated California's anti-discrimination laws. On religious grounds, the doctors refused to artificially inseminate the lesbian. The Superior Court ruled that the doctors could not use religious grounds as a defense. The California Medical Association first backed the doctors but later changed its position after a gay group complained.
December 5
An obscene ad for a statue of the Virgin Mary was accidentally published by a Catholic magazine. The statue, "Extra Virgin," was the work of an admitted enemy of the Catholic Church from England. It showed the Virgin Mary standing atop a serpent wearing a delicate veil of latex.
Miss Kitty warns again:
Don't you DARE smirk. While it's only a venial sin, it will definitely affect the size and quality of your Christmas presents.
2005 Report on Anti-Catholicism
Miss Kitty warns...
If you use this "outing" of blasphemy as ideas for your own pagan humor, it counts as a "double mortal" sin. I doubt a mere priest's absolution will help you there.
BUSINESS / WORKPLACE
January 18
Dawn Eden Goldstein, a copy editor with the New York Post, was fired when it was discovered that she ran a pro-life website in her spare time. In an interview with Gilbert magazine, Goldstein claimed that chief copy editor Barry Gross told her, "Some people already think the Post is conservative, and we don't need New York readers also thinking it's a Christian paper and that there are Christians working here." She was fired two days later, after she edited a story to include the fact that "in-vitro fertilization routinely results in the destruction of embryos."
January 28
Tempe, AZ—Outside an Oregano's Pizza Bistro in Tucson, AZ was posted a large photograph of Pope John Paul II with a sexually suggestive message, "Chicks dig It," written underneath. The president of Oregano's responded to a letter from William Donohue stating that the photo was immediately taken down.
February 15
The Catholic League contacted Hallmark about a greeting card that showed a picture of a nun saying, "I'm so excited about your birthday, I feel like doing a cartwheel." The inside of the card read, "Oops. Better not. I just remembered it's 'No Underwear Day' here at the abbey." After being contacted by the Catholic League a Hallmark executive stated that the company would cease further production of the card.
February 17
New York, NY—A fashion show titled "Fashion in Focus" aired on the television station WNYE. In the show, models wearing clothing designed by Mark Montano walked down the runway in crowns of thorns and held their hands in prayer. Two of the models made the sign of the cross upon reaching the end of the runway.
March 17
South Florida—Several shopping malls renamed the Easter Bunny "Peter Rabbit" or "Garden Bunny" so as not to refer to a Christian holiday.
March 25
Scott Bloch, the head the Office of Special Counsel, came under attack again from the left-wing non-profit group Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER). His offense? Hiring three graduates from the Ave Maria law school. Jeff Ruch, the director of PEER, attacked Bloch on a National Public Radio show hosted by Bob Garfield. Ruch had previously stated that "Scott Bloch's personnel practices are taken straight from the Da Vinci Code rather than the civil service manual."
April 17
A non-Catholic put what he claimed was a Host consecrated by Pope John Paul II up for auction on eBay. eBay officials initially defended the decision to allow the auction to continue, but later changed their policy and labeled the Eucharist off-limits for sale.
After complaints by the Catholic League, league members, and much media attention, the seller voluntarily gave the Eucharist to a priest for proper disposal.
April 26
The Paragon gift catalog featured four kitchen towels with pictures of nuns carrying drinks. The captions on the towels read "Sister Mary Merlot," "Sister Mary Mimosa," "Sister Mary Margarita," and "Sister Mary Martini." The product description stated that "Fun-loving nuns host happy hour on gentle humored kitchen towels starring sisters of the immaculate concoction."
May 5
Washington, D.C.—A nun was denied access to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center because she was wearing her habit. A hospital administrator claimed that soldiers could be offended by seeing religious persons on their floor in the hospital.
May 10
The mail-order catalog, Favorites, advertised a night shirt featuring an angry nun holding a ruler with the caption "Sister Mary Menopause."
June 1
Posted on the website pianoladynancy.com was a picture of three urinals shaped to look like the Blessed Mother. The operator of the website insisted that the photo was of real urinals and refused to take it off her website.
June 15
Indianapolis, IN—Two former editorial writers from the Indianapolis Star sued the paper, claiming it was "consistently and repeatedly demonstrating…a negative hostility toward Christianity." The lawsuit claimed that the editor and publisher said editorials perceived as proselytizing or containing Christian overtones could not be printed in the paper.
June 24
Chicago, IL—An employee of the Allstate insurance company was fired after a homosexual group complained about a column he wrote for a men's journal. The article denounced same-sex marriage, but was written at home on private time.
July 6
Treks Bicycle Corporation ran an ad during the Tour de France that featured three broadcasters identified as Bob Roll, Phil Liggett and Paul Sherman. All of them were depicted holding scratch-off tickets. Roll had a statue of the Blessed Virgin and two votive candles, but unlike Sherman and Liggett, he didn't win a prize. Roll opined that "All my mojo, juju and voodoo and I get nothing."
July 18
The Mississippi branch of the Bethany Christian Services adoption agency refused to allow Catholic couples to adopt children from its agency. After intense media pressure, led by the Catholic League, the Bethany's Mississippi board members voted unanimously to accept applications from Catholic families.
August
Noble Works, Inc., a Hoboken, NJ-based card company, distributes a line of what it calls "outrageous" cards called "Extras." A good number of the cards mocked Jesus, and one depicted the Holy Family in the manger with a caption above the Blessed Mother that read, "Immaculate Schmaculate. That f***king hurts!" After a Catholic League member registered a complaint with the president of the company, he wrote back saying, "How about we leave my silly cards aside for a little while and go examine some of your priest 'private' lives and practices?"
August 3
Augusta, GA—A sign outside a bar stated "CATHOLIC SCHOOLS HAVE THE BEST SEX EDUCATION." Catholic League member Mel Le Pan fought back, putting out a news release voicing his objection to the sign. After a local news station covered the story, the sign was removed.
September 3
The company T-Shirt Hell sells shirts that are offensive to Catholics, gays, blacks, women, immigrants, Native Americans, Jews and the handicapped. Some of the most offensive shirts that attack Catholicism include:
* "Mary Was Only A Virgin If You Don't Count Anal." The shirt has a picture of Mary holding a Scared Heart of Jesus, with her finger to her lips.
* "ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG." This shirt shows an old Pope John Paul II flashing a rock-and-roll hand gesture.
* "JESUS DID IT FOR THE CHICKS!" This shirt has a drawing of a crucified Jesus giving the thumbs-up gesture.
* "MOTHER F----ING TERESA."
* "CATHOLIC BOYS start much too early." The picture shows a priest standing behind an altar boy.
* "Molested by a NUN." The word priest is crossed out and NUN is stamped in as a replacement.
September 19
Elder-Beerman department stores (a division of Bon-Ton Stores) removed an offensive t-shirt after the Catholic League wrote the chairman of the company. The shirt in question featured the phrase "Who Can Resist a Catholic Girl" encircled by Rosary beads.
October 5
The Philadelphia Inquirer ran an advertisement by the law firm Eisenberg, Rothweiler, Schleifer, Weinstein & Winkler seeking victims of sexual abuse, but only victims of priests. The ad read: Legal Counsel to VICTIMS OF PRIEST SEXUAL ABUSE.
October 12
Two doctors were sued because a woman claimed that they violated California's anti-discrimination laws. On religious grounds, the doctors refused to artificially inseminate the lesbian. The Superior Court ruled that the doctors could not use religious grounds as a defense. The California Medical Association first backed the doctors but later changed its position after a gay group complained.
December 5
An obscene ad for a statue of the Virgin Mary was accidentally published by a Catholic magazine. The statue, "Extra Virgin," was the work of an admitted enemy of the Catholic Church from England. It showed the Virgin Mary standing atop a serpent wearing a delicate veil of latex.
Miss Kitty warns again:
Don't you DARE smirk. While it's only a venial sin, it will definitely affect the size and quality of your Christmas presents.
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 4:55 AM
0 comments
October 31, 2006
Catholic League of Religious and Civil Rights
Sister Mary Foamymouth, Publicist
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 9:30 AM
0 comments
Business/Workplace/Blogs
2005 Report
on Anti-Catholicism
BUSINESS / WORKPLACE
May 10
The mail-order catalog, Favorites, advertised a night shirt featuring an angry nun holding a ruler with the caption "Sister Mary Menopause."
2006 Report
on Anti-Catholicism
BLOGS
Oct 31
Pagan blog Vodou Kitty features the unholy Anonymous blaspheming one of God’s own anointed.
Kudos for his characterization of the Jesuits, though.
on Anti-Catholicism
BUSINESS / WORKPLACE
May 10
The mail-order catalog, Favorites, advertised a night shirt featuring an angry nun holding a ruler with the caption "Sister Mary Menopause."
2006 Report
on Anti-Catholicism
BLOGS
Oct 31
Pagan blog Vodou Kitty features the unholy Anonymous blaspheming one of God’s own anointed.
Kudos for his characterization of the Jesuits, though.
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 9:14 AM
0 comments
Anonymouse Says:
(pretend, dear friends, for
just a moment that the charming illustration of
pussy giving mousie spoon
rides before dinner is just
above these paragraphs. thank you.)
O MUS DOMESTICUS
ANOMINE ET
INAMORATA MEA
a matins devotional
in the style of
St. Katze-Hibernia
Well, not really. It does
get their attention though.
I remember when I lived on
stale zwiebach fragments and dried la leche league drops in the glass-enclosed
mother and infant pew at old Holy Name, and Father
Flaherty went all broody about going over to the
english mass and drank a
whole gift jeraboam of
Connolly's Rye that the
refectory sisters were holding back for Christmas
and the Bishop had him taken to St. Meinrad's downstate to dry out and the two young Jesuits who
drove him scared him half to death with their dark
glasses, shoulder holster
bulges and stinky Gauloise-Bleu cigarets.
Fading in and out of reason in the back seat,
trying not to panic from the strait-jacket under his shoulder-draped black alpaca topcoat, he begged:
"Please, bhoys..good bhoys y'are naow..oi really
hav'ta wee. Won'tcher stop
for me an' loose this restraint a whoil? Any gas
station or corner store
would do as well..pleese?"
When they finally did stop at the crest of a deserted rural hill on the steep bluff side and undid
the crossed hand-pocket ties behind Father's back,
the two Js were behind him and he thought sure and he heard the full-back hammer-cocking click of a Walther-P.38. Shuddering in terror he sank to his knees and clasped his vestpocket rosary between his hands and blubbered:
"Ohhh sweet Mayry an'
Jaysus! Don't ye do it,
bhoys! Don't ye be after
shootin' me naow! Oi swear
oi'll nivver take anuther
drop so long as oi live! With the celebacy an' all it was me only comfort for
forty years but oi can leave it off! Soady pops an' buttermilk, that's me
from naow on t'Judgement!
Oh say a word naow, won't
ye? Just one word o' relief of the shootin'?? Oi'll be good! On the Sacred Heart of Mayry oi
will!"
Jesuit one looked with
a wry smile of recognition
at the Zippo in his hand
which he had just snapped
loudly shut, took a rancid
draw on his Gauloise and gently said, "Aw come on now, Father..let's get back on the road. Just stand up and take your whizz, will you?"
Now I'm only a mouse.. and an anonymous mouse at that..but I swear you can
have a narrative pause that is as full of imposed indignity and chargrin and embarrassment as any stated sentence. And at the end of it, Father
Flaherty looks up at Jesuit one with a face like Tiddy O'Faolin caught in the poorbox and he says miserably:
"Oi..done it, arready."
just a moment that the charming illustration of
pussy giving mousie spoon
rides before dinner is just
above these paragraphs. thank you.)
O MUS DOMESTICUS
ANOMINE ET
INAMORATA MEA
a matins devotional
in the style of
St. Katze-Hibernia
Well, not really. It does
get their attention though.
I remember when I lived on
stale zwiebach fragments and dried la leche league drops in the glass-enclosed
mother and infant pew at old Holy Name, and Father
Flaherty went all broody about going over to the
english mass and drank a
whole gift jeraboam of
Connolly's Rye that the
refectory sisters were holding back for Christmas
and the Bishop had him taken to St. Meinrad's downstate to dry out and the two young Jesuits who
drove him scared him half to death with their dark
glasses, shoulder holster
bulges and stinky Gauloise-Bleu cigarets.
Fading in and out of reason in the back seat,
trying not to panic from the strait-jacket under his shoulder-draped black alpaca topcoat, he begged:
"Please, bhoys..good bhoys y'are naow..oi really
hav'ta wee. Won'tcher stop
for me an' loose this restraint a whoil? Any gas
station or corner store
would do as well..pleese?"
When they finally did stop at the crest of a deserted rural hill on the steep bluff side and undid
the crossed hand-pocket ties behind Father's back,
the two Js were behind him and he thought sure and he heard the full-back hammer-cocking click of a Walther-P.38. Shuddering in terror he sank to his knees and clasped his vestpocket rosary between his hands and blubbered:
"Ohhh sweet Mayry an'
Jaysus! Don't ye do it,
bhoys! Don't ye be after
shootin' me naow! Oi swear
oi'll nivver take anuther
drop so long as oi live! With the celebacy an' all it was me only comfort for
forty years but oi can leave it off! Soady pops an' buttermilk, that's me
from naow on t'Judgement!
Oh say a word naow, won't
ye? Just one word o' relief of the shootin'?? Oi'll be good! On the Sacred Heart of Mayry oi
will!"
Jesuit one looked with
a wry smile of recognition
at the Zippo in his hand
which he had just snapped
loudly shut, took a rancid
draw on his Gauloise and gently said, "Aw come on now, Father..let's get back on the road. Just stand up and take your whizz, will you?"
Now I'm only a mouse.. and an anonymous mouse at that..but I swear you can
have a narrative pause that is as full of imposed indignity and chargrin and embarrassment as any stated sentence. And at the end of it, Father
Flaherty looks up at Jesuit one with a face like Tiddy O'Faolin caught in the poorbox and he says miserably:
"Oi..done it, arready."
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 8:24 AM
0 comments
October 30, 2006
October 27, Revisited
On October 27, I opined that Oregon configured traffic with the specific objective of killing California motorists. Some time thereafter, dear anonymous pointed out that Pennsylvania and Ohio motorists were similarly targeted half a century earlier.
Eerily, wheeling in on the threads of tiny vibrating strings came a crazy little scientist who's now concurrently looking for a new assistant and filing for divorce.
This is a paradox, since Hawking conceded that time travel is possible - but only in the future.
"On the other hand, the future is open. So we might be able to warp it enough, to allow time travel. But because we can warp space-time only in the future, we wouldn't be able to travel back to the present time, or earlier," he quipped, through his voice box designed by the man whose slut wife ran off with the Prof eleven years ago.
So was he real in this story, or is he real now? You decide...
Don't feel bad, Oregon. Back in the fifties, Ohio and Pennsylvania were discourged from trying to
get to Virginia in an automobile by a maniacal
death-trap teenage chicken
racing beer-drunk coal trucker thing called...
(dum dum dummmm!) The West
Virginia Turnpike. Three
lanes, Mlle. Chatette:
yuh gotcher left side an'
yer raight side and yer
suicide! (Very. funny.
officer! May we proceed
now at our own risks or must we endure more gems
of mountain law enforcement wisdom?
Now yew jes watch yer
mouth. If they wuz a moving violation for smart
ass, I'd be moved to violate yer entire damn trip with a whole wad of $200 tickets! How would'ye like that, huh?
This appalachian powder
keg was disfused at the last moment by an odd sound
of squeakysqueakysqeaky etc
and all eyes turned from the berm to the mid-lane.
Oh dear god, said my wife
quietly, what...is that.
The cop was blase. Aw shit,
Ma'am, that's jest thet
little internationally renowned astrologer boy
from Engeland? They Queen
she made him a knaight an'
stuff. He's all pathetic an' crippled up which is
why he has him thet little
electric motor chair? He
cain't speak niether an'
he has him a kinda speaker
box thing sounds like this
H U L L O O F F I C E R
W A S I G O I N G T O O
F A S T H A H A H A ! !
I don't know how he does
them execremation points, but they in there alright.
Why the wig? He looks
like Senor Wences' Johnny
with horn rims.
Well, someone tole him they wuz a big ole girls' Catholic boarding school
in the mountains up beyond
Beckley an' he been trying to get up there for a month. I couldn't see how
the hell a little ole cripple boy from Engeland
would know his way around
over here so I jest axed
him straight out, "How the hell," I said, "do yew know where the hell yew
are going?" You know what that brilliant little crippled-up fucker said? No. What.
B Y T H E S T A R S
Y O U I D I O T H A
H A H A ! !
Eerily, wheeling in on the threads of tiny vibrating strings came a crazy little scientist who's now concurrently looking for a new assistant and filing for divorce.
This is a paradox, since Hawking conceded that time travel is possible - but only in the future.
"On the other hand, the future is open. So we might be able to warp it enough, to allow time travel. But because we can warp space-time only in the future, we wouldn't be able to travel back to the present time, or earlier," he quipped, through his voice box designed by the man whose slut wife ran off with the Prof eleven years ago.
So was he real in this story, or is he real now? You decide...
Don't feel bad, Oregon. Back in the fifties, Ohio and Pennsylvania were discourged from trying to
get to Virginia in an automobile by a maniacal
death-trap teenage chicken
racing beer-drunk coal trucker thing called...
(dum dum dummmm!) The West
Virginia Turnpike. Three
lanes, Mlle. Chatette:
yuh gotcher left side an'
yer raight side and yer
suicide! (Very. funny.
officer! May we proceed
now at our own risks or must we endure more gems
of mountain law enforcement wisdom?
Now yew jes watch yer
mouth. If they wuz a moving violation for smart
ass, I'd be moved to violate yer entire damn trip with a whole wad of $200 tickets! How would'ye like that, huh?
This appalachian powder
keg was disfused at the last moment by an odd sound
of squeakysqueakysqeaky etc
and all eyes turned from the berm to the mid-lane.
Oh dear god, said my wife
quietly, what...is that.
The cop was blase. Aw shit,
Ma'am, that's jest thet
little internationally renowned astrologer boy
from Engeland? They Queen
she made him a knaight an'
stuff. He's all pathetic an' crippled up which is
why he has him thet little
electric motor chair? He
cain't speak niether an'
he has him a kinda speaker
box thing sounds like this
H U L L O O F F I C E R
W A S I G O I N G T O O
F A S T H A H A H A ! !
I don't know how he does
them execremation points, but they in there alright.
Why the wig? He looks
like Senor Wences' Johnny
with horn rims.
Well, someone tole him they wuz a big ole girls' Catholic boarding school
in the mountains up beyond
Beckley an' he been trying to get up there for a month. I couldn't see how
the hell a little ole cripple boy from Engeland
would know his way around
over here so I jest axed
him straight out, "How the hell," I said, "do yew know where the hell yew
are going?" You know what that brilliant little crippled-up fucker said? No. What.
B Y T H E S T A R S
Y O U I D I O T H A
H A H A ! !
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 6:02 AM
0 comments
October 29, 2006
In a Humble Spirit, May We Be Accepted by You, O Lord
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 10:09 AM
0 comments
Hip Us, Lord
The Hip Ghan
Richard "Lord" Buckley, 1906-1960
My lords, my ladies of the royal court,
an incident from the life of the precious Mahatma Ghandi.
Now, you see, like I 'splained to ya, they called this here cat "The Hip Ghan,"
that's what they call him. Everybody call him The Hip Ghan.
The sweet, precious Hip Ghan.
'Cause India was swung India. He wailed India. He gassed India.
He grooved India. Now I'm gonna tell you why.
Ya see India was bugged wid da lion.
Every time India gets a little extra scoff inthe cupboard, wham! here come the lion.
Chomp! Swoop the scene and there stand the poor Indians, scoffless.
Bugged them to death.
That was before the Hip Ghan blew in on the scene, you see.
And the day that The Hip Ghan blew in on the scene seem
to be the lion's big swingin' day,
'cause he was into that scoff patch up to his shoulders,
scoffin' up an insane breeze.
So The Hip Ghan back away about thirty or forty feet,
and he holds out his arms cool wise,
and he do a running bop jumpin' whap,
whapped on that lion's tail so hard that thelion swooped the scene
and that gassed India. It gassed 'em.
So naturally in return they want to gas him back.
So Mr. Ribadee, the Indian Patrillo1,
he sent out the notes to all the Indian musicians,
to the ribadee players, the dong-dong players,
the dang-dang players, the ming-long players,
and all the reed-heads, the lute heads, and the blute heads,
and all the blowin' heads there was to come on in,
that they was gonna gas a big jam session for the Ghan.
And whew, here dey come, here dey come!
They come groovin' into this big place to send and swing The Ghan.
And when they all get in there together Mr. Rabadee, the Indian park triller,
he stand up, he say, "Boys, you know what to blow.
'When the Saint Comes Marchin' In.'"
They say, "Groovey."
So here come The Ghan,
with them twenty-six chicks with the horn rim glasses,
nineteen manny goats, and two spinnin' wheels.
And he look so sharp and so fine and so groovey,
cause he got a nice clean white dau-dau on,
and the love light is beamin' through his glasses and gassin' the whole scene.
And they swing him in and they sit him down on some nice groovey sofa pillows,
silkin', that is, and they cool the nanny goats, and the chicks all cuddle,
and they start to blow.
And my lords and my ladies, I'm goin' to hip you.
You may have heard a lot of jam sessions blowin' off.
You may have heard of New Orleans flips.
You may have heard of Chicago style.
You may hve heard of all kinds of jazz jumpin', the wildest,
and the most insane, you may have heard of many musical insane flips,
but you studs and stallions and cats and kitties
never dug any session like these cats blew.
They wailed so hard that the snakes in the jungle
picked up on the lick and come stompin' in for the session,
had to send out the snake guards say, "No dancin' tonight,boys.
We just hippin' The Ghan, that's all. Playin' a little jam session."
Brought the poor snakes clean down.
And they had to send around the wig tappers, you see what I mean.
Sayin', "Jack, I can't put that wig back on you, man. It's goin' in the same hole.
You blowin' too hard. You gotta cool youself for a little while."
And they blowin' up such a crazy, groovey scene that it was double euphoria head.
And when the scene was all over, Mr. Rabadee, the Indian park triller,
he swing over to The Hip Ghan and he do a nice swingin' bow,
and he say, "Oh, great, sweet, swingin', groovey, double-clutchin',
high, non-stop, pine top goal of all double swings in beauty."
And The Hip Ghan say, "Well, if I ain't,
I'm a big, fat, groovey pole on a rough hill on the way there."
He said, "Tell me something."
Say, he's a very hip cat, The Hip Ghan was.
He said, "Tell me somethin'. Did you dig the scene?"
And The Hip Ghan say, "Baby, when I hear them rabadee players,
and thedong-dong players, and them blute blute players,
and the flip heads, and thewood heads, and the reed heads,
and all these boys wailin' up such an insane love breeze
it brought to me the beauty, and the mysticism, and the wonder,
and the gorgeous theme, and the gorgeous wing,
and all the great wild non-stop etherea that is Mother India."
So Mr. Rabadee say, "Well, your sweet hipness,
I like to twisted my wig gettin'; this session together for you,
but I sho' did enjoy it, cause I see the beauty in your face.
But would you do me a little favor?"
"Of course, baby."
He said, "Tell me, which one of the instruments did you dig the most?"
So The Hip Ghan look at him and the love look came on his face
and he say, "Well, baby, the music of all India which I dig the most,
the instrument, you ain't got here."
Mister Rabadee said, "Man, what are you sayin'?
I got the doong-doong players, and the bang-bang players,
and the lebedee players, and the reed heads,
and the lute heads, and every head that I could dig up
that swing out of the jungle here
and you tell me that the one you dig the most I ain't got here."
Said, "Dat's right."
He said, "Well, sweet double hipness, great beloved non-stop beauty,
straighten me. Cause I'm ready."
And The Hip Ghan say, "That's right, that's right. Well, here's the lick."
He said, "Baby, the instrument of all India which I dig the music the most of,
that swings my soul up in that great cathedral head of beauty is the music of the ..."
(scat song interval)
He said, "...the spinnin' wheel, baby."
(scat song) ...knock a little patch on the cat's pants...
(scat song) ...swing a coat on grandma...
(scat song) ...get a little juice on the table...
(scat song) ...swang up get a little circus money...
(scat song) ...He said, "The spinnin' wheel, baby."
"I hope I didn't bring you down."
1 "Patrillo" was the name of the Chicago musicians' union's Business Manager, hence the man you would call to put together a band.
Richard "Lord" Buckley, 1906-1960
My lords, my ladies of the royal court,
an incident from the life of the precious Mahatma Ghandi.
Now, you see, like I 'splained to ya, they called this here cat "The Hip Ghan,"
that's what they call him. Everybody call him The Hip Ghan.
The sweet, precious Hip Ghan.
'Cause India was swung India. He wailed India. He gassed India.
He grooved India. Now I'm gonna tell you why.
Ya see India was bugged wid da lion.
Every time India gets a little extra scoff inthe cupboard, wham! here come the lion.
Chomp! Swoop the scene and there stand the poor Indians, scoffless.
Bugged them to death.
That was before the Hip Ghan blew in on the scene, you see.
And the day that The Hip Ghan blew in on the scene seem
to be the lion's big swingin' day,
'cause he was into that scoff patch up to his shoulders,
scoffin' up an insane breeze.
So The Hip Ghan back away about thirty or forty feet,
and he holds out his arms cool wise,
and he do a running bop jumpin' whap,
whapped on that lion's tail so hard that thelion swooped the scene
and that gassed India. It gassed 'em.
So naturally in return they want to gas him back.
So Mr. Ribadee, the Indian Patrillo1,
he sent out the notes to all the Indian musicians,
to the ribadee players, the dong-dong players,
the dang-dang players, the ming-long players,
and all the reed-heads, the lute heads, and the blute heads,
and all the blowin' heads there was to come on in,
that they was gonna gas a big jam session for the Ghan.
And whew, here dey come, here dey come!
They come groovin' into this big place to send and swing The Ghan.
And when they all get in there together Mr. Rabadee, the Indian park triller,
he stand up, he say, "Boys, you know what to blow.
'When the Saint Comes Marchin' In.'"
They say, "Groovey."
So here come The Ghan,
with them twenty-six chicks with the horn rim glasses,
nineteen manny goats, and two spinnin' wheels.
And he look so sharp and so fine and so groovey,
cause he got a nice clean white dau-dau on,
and the love light is beamin' through his glasses and gassin' the whole scene.
And they swing him in and they sit him down on some nice groovey sofa pillows,
silkin', that is, and they cool the nanny goats, and the chicks all cuddle,
and they start to blow.
And my lords and my ladies, I'm goin' to hip you.
You may have heard a lot of jam sessions blowin' off.
You may have heard of New Orleans flips.
You may have heard of Chicago style.
You may hve heard of all kinds of jazz jumpin', the wildest,
and the most insane, you may have heard of many musical insane flips,
but you studs and stallions and cats and kitties
never dug any session like these cats blew.
They wailed so hard that the snakes in the jungle
picked up on the lick and come stompin' in for the session,
had to send out the snake guards say, "No dancin' tonight,boys.
We just hippin' The Ghan, that's all. Playin' a little jam session."
Brought the poor snakes clean down.
And they had to send around the wig tappers, you see what I mean.
Sayin', "Jack, I can't put that wig back on you, man. It's goin' in the same hole.
You blowin' too hard. You gotta cool youself for a little while."
And they blowin' up such a crazy, groovey scene that it was double euphoria head.
And when the scene was all over, Mr. Rabadee, the Indian park triller,
he swing over to The Hip Ghan and he do a nice swingin' bow,
and he say, "Oh, great, sweet, swingin', groovey, double-clutchin',
high, non-stop, pine top goal of all double swings in beauty."
And The Hip Ghan say, "Well, if I ain't,
I'm a big, fat, groovey pole on a rough hill on the way there."
He said, "Tell me something."
Say, he's a very hip cat, The Hip Ghan was.
He said, "Tell me somethin'. Did you dig the scene?"
And The Hip Ghan say, "Baby, when I hear them rabadee players,
and thedong-dong players, and them blute blute players,
and the flip heads, and thewood heads, and the reed heads,
and all these boys wailin' up such an insane love breeze
it brought to me the beauty, and the mysticism, and the wonder,
and the gorgeous theme, and the gorgeous wing,
and all the great wild non-stop etherea that is Mother India."
So Mr. Rabadee say, "Well, your sweet hipness,
I like to twisted my wig gettin'; this session together for you,
but I sho' did enjoy it, cause I see the beauty in your face.
But would you do me a little favor?"
"Of course, baby."
He said, "Tell me, which one of the instruments did you dig the most?"
So The Hip Ghan look at him and the love look came on his face
and he say, "Well, baby, the music of all India which I dig the most,
the instrument, you ain't got here."
Mister Rabadee said, "Man, what are you sayin'?
I got the doong-doong players, and the bang-bang players,
and the lebedee players, and the reed heads,
and the lute heads, and every head that I could dig up
that swing out of the jungle here
and you tell me that the one you dig the most I ain't got here."
Said, "Dat's right."
He said, "Well, sweet double hipness, great beloved non-stop beauty,
straighten me. Cause I'm ready."
And The Hip Ghan say, "That's right, that's right. Well, here's the lick."
He said, "Baby, the instrument of all India which I dig the music the most of,
that swings my soul up in that great cathedral head of beauty is the music of the ..."
(scat song interval)
He said, "...the spinnin' wheel, baby."
(scat song) ...knock a little patch on the cat's pants...
(scat song) ...swing a coat on grandma...
(scat song) ...get a little juice on the table...
(scat song) ...swang up get a little circus money...
(scat song) ...He said, "The spinnin' wheel, baby."
"I hope I didn't bring you down."
1 "Patrillo" was the name of the Chicago musicians' union's Business Manager, hence the man you would call to put together a band.
posted by Kitty O'Keefe at 9:23 AM
0 comments
About Me
- Name: Kitty O'Keefe
- Location: United States
A financial professional with 30 years' experience in financial management and education for women.
Links
- Political Satire
- Pushin' Loose on the Keys
- Man On The Street
- Remarkable Writer
- Gifted Photographer, Director 'n' More
- His Lordship
- Ms. Smartypants
- Obey Your Noodly Master
Previous Posts
- Public Relations 101
- Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah NYAH Nyah
- See You Next Year!
- Divine Intervention
- Finally,
- La Sirine
- Happy
- Joy to the world, the Lord is come!
- WHY I HATE CHRISTMAS
- Big Slide
Archives
- 07/30/06
- 08/06/06
- 08/13/06
- 08/20/06
- 08/27/06
- 09/03/06
- 09/10/06
- 09/17/06
- 09/24/06
- 10/01/06
- 10/08/06
- 10/15/06
- 10/22/06
- 10/29/06
- 11/05/06
- 11/12/06
- 11/19/06
- 11/26/06
- 12/03/06
- 12/10/06
- 12/17/06
- 02/04/07
- 02/25/07
