The Slutty Professor

Stringin' Me Along

On September 9, I told you that Stephen Hawking was looking for a Research Assistant. "Must have a caring nature and understand string theory" were my recommended minimum qualifications. Little did I know.
Now, it's been announced that Stephen is getting a divorce. The divorce he is seeking is from his second wife of eleven years, Elaine, who was married to the man who designed Professor Hawking's voice synthesizer before she broke up the marriage to the mother of his children. Slut!
So, for the real dirt, I turn to E! Entertainment television. They have Ryan Seacrest on E News, for Christ's sake. They'll have the lowdown.
Nothing. Well, Guiliana di Pandi is on vacation. Maybe he needed help with this story.
Okay, well Access Hollywood will surely have the juicy inside details. No? Okay, possibly this is a higher level of gossip. Maybe Inside Edition with Deborah Norville. She used to be on the Today Show just like Katy Couric, so she's a kind of "real" journalist. Just the fodder for her.
Silence.
What is this, a blind item? Why is no one talking about this? What is going on? Was he fooling around with the research assistant he is now seeking to replace? Did his slut wife find out? Did she catch them in the act? What act? Were there pictures?
CBS Evening News with Katy Couric didn't touch the story. She LOVES celebrities! What is going on here?
If you hear anything - ANYTHING - about this, drop me a line.
Where are the real journalists, anyway?
Oh, and how's that theoretical physics thingy going?

A Drag

It's Howdy Duty Time

Joy!
Mid-term elections. Are you like me? Do you have fantasies of shooting your television during political ad time?
For onesies, the candidates' pictures, especially in "negative ads" are hilarious. The other guy always looks addled and snarky, and is slightly out of focus. Our hero is bright, smiley, sleeves rolled up, alert and ready for action. Please. No wonder Arnold Schwarzenneger is governor of California. His head shots are better!
For twosies, the campaign promises are just plain lies. Lies, lies, lies. For example, well, you don't need an example. You know. Lies, lies, lies.
For threesies, there isn't a party to belong to. Truth is, I'm a Libertarian. But, after having inhabited a hotel full of them, I can say that they are patently ridiculous. Tie-dye at a political caucus? Even I think that's weird.
Democrats can't get a message across. Republicans are demagogues. There is no loyal opposition. Battle lines are drawn. But, as my smartypants friend Cindy and political rock star Barak Obama have observed, that may just be in Washington D.C.
Most of us aren't red or blue. Most of us are purple. Most of us just want a reasonable person with some moral fiber to run the damned country so we can work in our gardens and read our books, play with our loved ones and start film businesses.
So, here's my prediction. Republicans will lose control of the Senate. It would have been a closer race, except for the pervert. Now, the gloves are off, so to speak.
Democrats will block the Bush agenda. That's not such a bad thing.
Iraq will go on and on (already almost as long as WWII, the last war Congress actually declared). All the wars after WWII were disasters for us - Korea (Rocket Man, burning out his fuse out there alone..., and I think it's going to be a long, long time), VietNam, and now this Iraq mess. No congress should ever give the President the power to invade anything. Ever. Period.
The deficit will grow (you're WELCOME, grandkids. Do make sure and keep our social security going, won't you?).
Monetary policy will continue to ignore that our deficit is financed by the Saudis and China. Wheeee! Great partners, I'd say.
Are you feeling a little uncomfortable in your "red" or "blue"?
Me, too.
We're the purples, looking through the Purple Haze wondering what the hell happened.

Does This Make Me Look Fat? Part Deux

Violin for Chastity

Sermon from The Church of the Living Swing

Chastity Belt

Richard "Lord" Buckley, 1906-1960
As you know, between the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Century,
there was a tremendous eipdemic that swept the land.
Everyone was going in search of the Holy Grail.

Few of the beggars knew anything about it,
and those that knew the least blew it up to such fantastic proportions:
"You going, Fred?" "Yes."
"You going, Harry?" "Yes."
"Good, we all go together."

The Duke of Cliftsford is standing in his courtyard.
He's working his visor up and down.
He doesn't want any to get hung up in the middle of the fracas.
There is much activity taking place in the courtyard.
Various knaves and grooms are busy preparing the safari
in serch of the Holy Grail.

There are three forges going "Dang Dang Boom Boom Dong Dong."

Finally, out of the thick smoke of the forges, comes a little blacksmith.

(faux English accent)
He says: "Sire, may I have a word with you?
I realize that I am taking my very head in my hands
when I ask you for a few moments of your precious time,
but I have conceived something in my fancy."

"Very well."

They opened the door -- "Boom!"

There on a table lay a beautiful golden belt.
It was Oriental gold, soft but hard.
And all about it were phallic symbols each
and every one of them engraved with virgin pearls.

The Duke looks at this jeweler's masterpiece
and rather than being flattered, he flips:
"How dare you bring me to see this common, ordinary belt --
wasting my time in this manner.
Before the sun rises, you will be singing soprano!"

"But sire, it's not a common ordinary belt, it is a chastity belt."

"A what?"

"A chastity belt, your majesty,
to preserve the honor of your Lady Faire while you,
brave one, go in search of the grail."

The Duke looks at it again.
"My Gad...sheer genius. Make me twelve at once."

He had a few friends, ya know.

The scene switches.
The Duke is a magnificent Negro Duke.
He has the chastity belt behind his back.
He's stacked up in armor and he is climbing the spiral staircase
to the Queen's boudoir.
While he is making the ascent,
he is probing his brain for a piece of conversational putty
whereby he may introduce this new and unusual affair
to her Highness in such a manner as not to run her
all over the blasted courtyard...you know how the neighbors are.

But, when he gets to the top, he has no answer.
He knocks anyway and a voice says: "Who's there?"

"It's me baby, the King."

"Is that my great and groovy lover
and one of the greatest studs that ever stomped through any Queen's boudoir
in this here world, and that there world and all unknown worlds?"

"Yes, Baby."

"Fall in, Daddy. Look at that uniform on Daddy."

"Yeah, they got me stacked in here pretty good, ain't they sugar?
They got to get me on a hoist to get me on a horse.
But when I'm on I'm gone."

"I'm hip," she says. "What you got behind you Daddy?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha . . . you ladies goin' to drive me crazy.
`What is this? What is that?'"

He sits her down. She go: "Ooooooooo."

He says: "What you `Oooooooooooin' about woman?"

"I say `Oooooooooo' was all I say."

He say: "Well, you been `Ooooooooin'' a little too much
around here lately, you know that, don't you?"

Now she looks at it
and having never dreamed in the wildest dream
the inspiration of a chastity belt,
say to him with purest and high plum of naivitee,
in the rich center of noviticitate and expression
say: "What is it Daddy, a jewell case?"

"Well," he says, "I suppose you could call it that, Sugar.
Yeah, that's what it is, a jewell case."

He say: "You know that Grail?"

She say: "I'm hip, you goin' to pick up on it too, Daddy."

He say: "Well, you know there is a couple of cats up on the hill
that aren't on the hook for the grail.
You know that too baby?"

She say: "That's the livin', livin' truth,
and some of them cats jump awful high and hard."

He say: "Just what I'm talking about, baby.
Some night when my cats and kittys got that grail in the corner,
bout ready to Wwwhhaaaappppm --
I'm into the sack . . . say one of them cats gets jumping so high --
Boom! -- Szzzzzz Bzzzzzz right over that castle wall --
pphhhhhhh -- right in your boudoir
and this gadget is going to give them
the supreme surprise of their natural born life."

She goes: "Ahhhhh . . . Hun, look. I am goin' to ex divorce.
I am goin' to ex the grail, baby."

He say: "Sugar baby, you gettin' yourself all bent 'bout a little thing like this.
Sugar, it's just like a new pair of shoes, baby.
You got to wear it a little while before you get used to it."